We regret to inform you

Words punch the hollow
space beneath
my rib cage

a form letter

All those words
that flowed
from my core

were not enough

never quite enough

not worthy
of respect
of belonging
of being seen

I’d allowed myself
a sliver
of hope
this time

My husband calls me
a pessimist

Does he not see
that by removing hope
I build a fortress
for my tender
heart?

I’m nearing forty

How many times will this pattern
replay?

I think of my history
the teachers, employers, “friends”
who took pity on my meekness

I thought they saw
something of value in me
but as soon as I began to flourish
I was “put back in my place”

Always put in my place

Keep her small

Am I so threatening?

Too intense
Too sensitive
Too aggressive
Too fragile

How many times
have I inventoried
my character?

Refine, refine, refine

How hard I have worked
to attain excellence
but stay submissive
shadowed

Don’t cause trouble
Don’t make people uncomfortable
Don’t outshine
Just give it away

You enjoy it, don’t you?

Paid the bare minimum
in every job
I’ve ever
had

Rage

The few times I fought back
to argue my worth
I cried

Tears are an eraser
of value
you know

I didn’t get a raise
The job offer was withdrawn
I was, quite firmly, put in my place

Hierarchy and I don’t get along

Why should now be any different?
Because I work for myself?
Because I feel like I’m making progress?
Because I have a solid foundation?
Because this work comes from my heart?

Breathe
Breathe
Breathe

Don’t believe the stories

This story isn’t mine anymore

Roots
Flow
Fire

Disappointment does not signify
lack of value

Keep going

You are not going to be liked by everyone
Your work will not be liked by everyone

Something in me withers at this reality

still

Breathe
Breathe
Breathe

Don’t use this as an excuse to hide

Your value is not wrapped up in the opinions
of others

You deserve to be here

You deserve to have a voice

Perfection doesn’t exist

You matter

Keep writing